When do we cry foul? When do we look at the truth: Parent’s drink, grandparents drink…kids are exposed to adults drinking from the time they’re in diapers until adulthood, yet somewhere in that stretch of time, the message from parents is, “Don’t drink until you’re of age.” The lack of role-models in most kids’ lives is stunning; the hypocrisy of well-meaning adults is stunning, yet, these are the same parents who may find themselves paying hefty bills for therapists and rehabs to help their children because the kids are young and out of control. These are the same parents who wail and beat their breasts at the agony of it all when their young kids have behavioral problems and teens land in addiction hells of their own. I’ve seen it happen over and over again. The lack of insight is hard to grasp, but parents who party extensively in front of their kids can’t seem to understand the hell they’re complicit in creating for their children down the road.
Our culture willing courts alcoholism: The message to drink can be found on plaques, pillows and clothes such as the socks that one mom wore that said, “If you can read this bring me a drink.” Or “If you can read this bring me a glass of wine.” C’mon, isn’t it time to stop saying, “Lighten up, it’s only a joke?”
People are offended when you say anything to disavow the acceptable drinking culture, but when do we start to care more about what our kids think than what our friends think? What about the lack of support for all of the millions of kids on the back side of these drinking parents? Does anyone get out of themselves long enough to consider that kids are the collateral damage? Does anyone stop drinking long enough to understand that kids raised in an alcohol-fueled home are not being taught the coping skills they need to thrive in the world, nor do they have parents who are truly present because mom is so busy making wine dates with her friends?
Why is selfishness celebrated, but selflessness to do the right thing by our children is spat at?
I know one friend whose mother made her childhood less than ideal because her mother had terrible mood swings and spent a lot of time lying in bed. Only later did they discover that her mom had a drinking problem and all those “migraines” were hangover headaches. That woman had three children who all ended up heavy drinkers, and two of them landed in rehab. This is a common scenario, yet, no one wants to talk about the reality of what often happens when you’re raised by boozy parents.
I was raised by the fun mom whose drinking took off and not only did she live in her own kind of hell, but we lived there with her. My mother’s alcoholism bled into every aspect of our lives. Of course, her drinking started off innocently enough, (like it always does) but once she crossed the imaginary line into alcoholism—she became incapable of parenting. Too many people justify recreational drinking and drug use: So I drink, smoke a little pot, or take Adderall (for your newly diagnosed adult ADHD that you never had as a child). The problem is that for too many people those seemingly innocent treks into recreational use turns into the beast of addiction, costing not only the person enmeshed in the addiction, but the whole family suffers as well.
Where are the fearless moms who have had enough of being told by their “friends” that all the boozing around the kids is normal, when in fact it is not? Alcoholics think it’s normal, but there are people out there who don’t drink like that and would be appalled to know that a drunk mom was driving their kid home from basketball or dance practice tonight. We need more people to find the courage to start questioning objectionable behavior. I don’t care if you like to drink or not, there’s no justification for moms to have booze parties at the park while toddlers play on the swings. There’s no justification for parents to camp out in kitchen’s, or on patios and decks for three hours drinking and then have mom or dad jump in the SUV to go pick the preteens up from the movies. Our society has become so calloused that parents drinking and driving has become acceptable and the standard answer is, “Well, I only had two.” It’s always two drinks when the reality is more like four. Why is everyone okay with this?
Are women locked in adolescence—mentally—as immature as the children they’re trying to raise? Sure seems that way because no adult with a lick of sense would think that’s okay to bring booze to the park or drive an SUV full of children after drinking three glasses of wine, but women do it all of the time. Grandparents do it too. These kids can’t catch a break, so next time you start in on your teen about their drinking, maybe you should first look at your own.
Lisa is the author of the multi-award winning book, Raising the Bottom: Mindful Choices in a Drinking Culture. After short stints where she trained polo horses, worked as a flight attendant, hairdresser, and bartender, she revamped her life and settled in as a registered nurse. For the past twenty-nine years has worked with hundreds of women to overcome alcoholism, live better lives and become better parents. She was prompted to write Raising the Bottom when she realized after twenty plus years of working in hospitals, that doctors and traditional healthcare offer few solutions to women with addiction issues. You can start reading for free on Amazon. Follow her on Twitter @LBoucherAuthor and Instagram.