Every parent wants good things for their child, but parents can self-sabotage their efforts and disconnect from their children in ways that they may not have considered. How do some parent’s self-sabotage their efforts? By buying into and participating in the wine-time culture. Parent’s set themselves up to have all sorts of problems with their children such as underachieving, low-self-esteem, feelings of low self-worth, poor self-control, OCD, phobias, all because of wine-time. Drinking is an inherently selfish pursuit. When you’re engaged in your own melancholy, fun, or preoccupation with drinking—where do the kids fit in?
There’s a lot of discussions out there if you’re tuned in to women and wine, but rarely do I see commentaries about how children feel about mom’s love affair with wine. Our culture glorifies drinking. As a child of an alcoholic and then someone who’s now in recovery, it wasn’t until I got sober that I learned how selfish all that drinking and yucking it up was—especially if you’re a parent. I can’t think of anything except drugs that pulls a person emotionally away from the people—children—who need a parent the most. Let’s be clear, people drink because they like the buzz. Period. Those who don’t like feeling different tend not to drink so much.
Consider the small child who has to stand on their tiptoes and grabs the edge of the table to see what’s going on. What might the child see? Wine glasses, beer mugs, and other alcoholic beverages and bottles spread across the table, the in-home bar, the kitchen counter, the wine glass holders that people buy for their showers—a clear message is sent—and it’s not sent once, but over and over again, and the message is this: Alcohol is fun. Alcohol is something that you “do” to have fun—everyone drinks, drinks, drinks, and if you don’t, you’re no fun.
Every time a parent perches somewhere with a drink in hand—the message is reinforced. Drink. drink. Drink. When kids see adults drinking on decks, at holidays, in sports bars and restaurants…, all of the wine, beer, and spirits heartily consumed while children look on munching chicken fingers and French fries—the message becomes ingrained—drink up!
As I point out in Raising the Bottom: If given a choice, no child would choose to grow up in a home ruled by alcoholic madness, or have parents that lack emotional maturity and stability. Millions of kids flounder because from early childhood they’re stuck in unhealthy environments, and they have no say when it comes to their parents’ behaviors. Consider that you can’t go to a toddler’s or small child’s birthday party anymore without seeing more bottles, cans, and solo cups than balloons and cupcakes. When did this shift occur?”
Do parents think the kids don’t tune into the personality shifts that occur after mom or dad has had a few drinks? What personality changes you ask? Most people change when they drink: some act happy or silly, while others become argumentative, snippy, less patient, and there are those who can’t stop at one drink but go on to have four, five or more. Many parents drink in front of their kids with the full intention to cop a buzz (and then drive the kids home from wherever.) Parents drink to self-medicate and “have fun” and that’s exactly what they teach their children. Our kids don’t always listen to what we say but they sure do look at what we do. Kids are smart. They will process and call out hypocrisy when they see it so good luck telling them not to drink and drive or not to drink before they’re of legal age.
The disconnect between what many parents want for their kids and the actions the parents take to try to have successful kids is stunning. It’s impossible to parent from a place of strength when you feel guilty for drinking too much, are hung over, or preoccupied with your next night out. When parents are all about the party and worried about being cool and popular—how in the world do you teach your kid to be authentic and love themselves so that they don’t depend on what others think of them in order to have self-worth?
The other reality about drinking at home while raising kids is that kids learn that alcohol is important and that they aren’t. What is it like for a needy child to get brushed off because mom or dad is too busy socializing with their friends or working to get yet another cork out of the bottle? Children are in tune to what goes on and they will come to understand that once that first glass of wine or a cocktail is had, it’s like erecting an invisible screen between parents and the child. The child will learn that once mommy has a few glasses of wine, that their emotional needs won’t be met. Children will do one of two things: They’ll withdraw—or they’ll act out. Kids seven years old and under don’t have the verbal skills or the abstract thinking to articulate how they feel or what they need. Their way to communicate is via behavior. Most behavior problems that kids have goes back to the parenting, but too many parents lack insight into their own behavior and take their kid to a therapist, put them on meds or do any number of harmful things rather than look at their parenting skills or lack of skills.
I know my mother could never see how her drinking impacted her children—but I will tell you that once she quit drinking, it took her years to forgive herself. She knew she wasn’t the mom that she had built herself up in her head that she was. She understood once she was sober and working a program of recovery that she had to get honest with herself and she had to look at some painful truths: she never taught me or my siblings’ healthy coping skills. She was emotionally unavailable. She was rarely in tune to how any of us felt because she was absorbed in her own drama. She admitted that she liked being the fun mom, until the alcohol turned on her and it wasn’t fun for anyone.
The mom guilt can be a heavy burden to bear, so why do so many women encourage other women to drink? I believe it’s because no alcoholic or problem drinker likes to drink alone. If I stop drinking so much and we used to drink together, does that make me a problem drinker?
Instagram and FB, in particular, tend to support the wine culture: hashtags such as #drunkmom #winemom, #drunkyogaclass, the list goes on and on, and sayings such as “I’m outdoorsy. I like to drink on patios,” seems to captivate. What the heck is wrong with this picture? Women trivialize their drinking that looks like alcoholism, yet there’s tons of support for the behavior. At what point do other women start to push back and say, no, I will no longer support my friends in their self-destructive behaviors, but I will support them to be healthy? Don’t you think it’s time to ask the wine-loving mommies to dial it back and start thinking more about how the children will fare in our drinking culture?
I’d love to hear your comments, please drop one below in the comment box!
Lisa is the author of the multi-award winning book, Raising the Bottom: Mindful Choices in a Drinking Culture. After short stints where she trained polo horses, worked as a flight attendant, hairdresser, and bartender, she revamped her life and settled in as a registered nurse. For the past twenty-nine years has worked with hundreds of women to overcome alcoholism, live better lives and become better parents. She was prompted to write Raising the Bottom when she realized after twenty plus years of working in hospitals, that doctors and traditional healthcare offer few solutions to women with addiction issues. You can start reading for free on Amazon. Follow her on Twitter @LBoucherAuthor and Instagram.