Why Aren’t You Drinking?
How come you’re not drinking? Why, don’t you want some wine? You’re not going to AA again, are you? If you’re not drinking, would like a joint instead? How about a few lines? You must do something, right? You would never quit drinking for good, would you? Are you sick? You don’t have cancer, do you?
These are just some of the questions I’ve had to field over the past twenty-eight years since I gave up drinking, and all of these comments dribbled out of people who seemed to be sensible, sane adults: friends, moms and dads, business owners, teachers, entrepreneurs, nurses and doctors.…but as Shakespeare warned, “Things are not always what they seem,” and of course, that includes people’s motives. Why in the world would anyone care if a person chooses not to drink?
I have come to believe that the only people who were ever uncomfortable with my sobriety were the people who had addiction issues of their own; their sophomoric questions had more to do their own insecurities about their drinking, and their motives for pressing the nondrinker were probably hidden, even from themselves.
To mix with people who don’t drink or only drink a little can make a heavy drinker feel squirrely. They want to believe their drinking is normal even when they know deep down that it’s not—but these are the people who are nowhere near ready to quit or cut down. Their only course of action is to make the nondrinker feel like a leper; it’s been my experience that people who know they drink too much but are not yet ready to face the truth, are the ones who are most uncomfortable with someone else’s sobriety.
I’m currently working with several women who are new to the sobriety game, and depending on how long they drank and how sick they are when they decided to stop, the early stages of navigating social situations can be tricky, especially because the most difficult part of being an alcoholic, for many, is to leap past the shame and guilt of being an alcoholic. It’s the stigma.
Some people still tend to think that alcoholism is a moral issue, or they believe if people were just strong enough they could overcome their drinking problem. Both sentiments are a fallacy. Addiction/alcoholism is not a moral issue, nor is it a sign of weakness. Most alcoholics are strong, irrepressible people. Who else could do what we did and keep getting back up? Like a bloody fighter in the ring, we took a beating but never stayed down.
I wonder, could it be the word “alcoholic” that has a bad rap? Would more people come to terms with their drinking if we named it something pretty, and chic like bevitore, the Italian word for drinker?
For most women, and men, once the booze has been removed from their life and alcohol no longer saturates their brains; their thinking; their behavior; perceptions—start to clear, and the reality of what they thought was innocent drinking smacks them in the face. The time comes when they have to face the people they’ve hurt, the messes they’ve made—and the harsh truth that all that “social” drinking wasn’t so social and it caused a whole lot of people a whole lot of harm. Think of the kids who felt neglected or slighted because their parents were more preoccupied with their social life than they were concerned about spending time with their kids.
Women, especially, struggle to overcome the shame they feel when they realize they were never the mothers that they wanted to be. I know my own mother, thirty years sober when she lay on her deathbed, still wanted to know if any of her four children harbored resentments. None of us did, but I don’t think she ever totally let go of the guilt she felt over her drinking.
Others struggle to get over the fallacy that they must be weak people since they couldn’t control their drinking, and still others have shallow drunk friends that have no shame and boot them right out of the friend group, because those friends are certain they can’t hang out with someone who won’t be any fun anymore.
These are the challenges people face when they decide to take the most courageous step they will ever take in their life—the leap to change their life, get physically, mentally and spiritually healthy, but instead of finding support, in many circles, the opposite happens; rejection ensues and the person who is already in a fragile state can’t deal with the blow-back so they say the hell with it and go back to wine-time. The pain of rejection or having to explain why they don’t drink may be too much to cope with at this juncture in their sobriety.
There is nonstop encouragement to lead a drunk life, but there is very little support in the world to lead a sober life.
People get drunk and sloppy all the time and no one bats an eye. In fact, people help make excuses for others drunk behavior: They had a long week; they’re having trouble at home; they’re just stressed at work; Yada yada yada…
No one should ever have to explain why they made a healthy decision.
People in early sobriety may not have the tools to bear the onslaught of questions heaped on their already sagging shoulders—it can be too much. What people need to ask themselves is why in the world would anyone feel the need to question another adult about their choice to do something good for themselves, their families, their employers, and their health?
How many more people feel the need to tell us all how much they love drinking and say things like, “Oh, my God, I can’t imagine life without wine,” and everyone nods and agrees that life without wine or beer or liquor would be awful indeed, but perhaps these are the same people who might also benefit from having a less booze addled life.
Please, indulge me this one thing—when you cross paths with someone who opts out of the drinking thing, please don’t ask why they’re not drinking. It’s really none of your business, and it could be the question that propels them right over to the bar in order not to have to feel different … so unless you’re asking because you too are interested in quitting or cutting back on your drinking—just zip it.
New sobriety is difficult enough. Those brave enough and determined enough to embark on such a journey need all the love and support they can find. The bravest journey we can all travel is still—the journey to self-discovery.