Most of us don’t have perfect families, but a few lucky people out there probably have families that come close; these are the people who can enjoy familial relationships where most all get along and life is grand; these are the people who look like one big Hallmark movie: They bake cookies, decorate, and flit from party to party to celebrate the beauty of the season—and then, there are the rest of us; those of us who may not be so eager to embrace the holiday spirit because we have fractured families or we’ve lost a loved one and the holidays are a cruel reminder of how much we miss the person who’s no longer with us, or perhaps it’s someone’s first sober Christmas and the whole month of December seems more like a scary abyss that they’d rather fly right on over and land in January with the month of December in their rearview mirror.
In spite of adversarial family situations, shaky sobriety, or overwhelming grief, it still possible to get through the holidays and enjoy the Christmas or Hanukkah spirit if we’re willing to make a few simple changes:
Long-standing traditions don’t have to remain traditions if they cause you more pain. The guilt some people feel to keep everything the same—even when the old tradition no longer works—well, just don’t. Life is about remaining flexible. Just because year after year you’ve always done things a certain way doesn’t mean you have to keep doing them that way. Give yourself permission to change the status quo, and this year, do what feels right for you. No people pleasing allowed. Just because you were invited to great Aunt-Millie’s house, doesn’t mean that you have to go.
- Minimize the time you spend with toxic people
- Give yourself permission to say no.
- Remember, you don’t need others to validate your decisions.
My siblings all have addiction issues and my father who was always abusive has continued to be emotionally and verbally abusive to me. This year, I decided not to go to my sister’s for Thanksgiving. Instead, my husband and I flew to Seattle and spent Thanksgiving with our two sons and our daughter-in-law. We had a wonderful time and it was a win-win for all. The Seattle couple didn’t have to travel, and I had a perfect out as to why I wouldn’t attend the family gathering. I felt so much peace saying, no. I had zero anxiety about how I was going to cope with all of the difficult personalities and active addiction in my extended family.
The truth is, I’ve decided to take my own advice this year and gave myself permission to forgo spending time with toxic people this Christmas too, and that includes toxic family members. I’ve been sober many years, and it’s not so much that I think my family would literally, drive me to drink, it’s that I choose not to be around active alcoholism. I’m tired of being the only sober person (since my mother died who was also sober and the glue that held the family together…), I’m tired of working so hard to keep the peace. I’m tired of dealing with other’s addictions, and this year it’s dawned on me in a big way that guess what, I don’t have to. Instead, I decline to put myself in a precarious position. I decline to be uncomfortable, and if they have anything to say about it they can talk all they want, but I’ve learned that I don’t need to participate in every argument that I’m invited. I also know that it’s none of my business what other’s think or say about me.
I know one woman who finally gave up holiday’s with the family because she had been sexually abused by a family member when she was young. For years, the family expected her to attend Christmas dinner like nothing had happened. It took her years of recovery to say, the hell with that, and she no longer retraumatizes herself every year in December.
The bigger question remains is why do we do these things to ourselves? Why do we feel with the need to accept and put up with the unacceptable?
This post is all about truth and the truth is you don’t have to do anything. Give yourself permission to start new traditions; ax those toxic people out of your life; give yourself time to grieve; allow yourself to heal from the wounds that need to be healed, and feel free to move the hell on! Here’s to all you, my fellow freedom seekers who may not be as strong as you’d like to be, but to those who are strong enough to say enough is enough. Please, don’t ever allow guilt to stand in the way of being good to yourself.
Some Suggestions for a hassle-free holiday:
- Spend Christmas at that B&B that you always wanted to visit.
- Hike in the woods and commune with nature instead of suffering around the Christmas table with people who steal your joy.
- Feed the homeless.
- Buy gifts for children who may not get anything if it weren’t for the kindness of strangers.
- Take goodies to the elderly in nursing homes. So many of them may not have family, and Christmas can be a lonely time for them too.
There are many ways to enjoy the holidays without having to compromise your peace and serenity. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and God Bless!
I’d love to hear from you! Please feel free to leave your comments and suggestions to help others celebrate when family relationships are strained.
Lisa is the author of the multi-award winning book, Raising the Bottom: Mindful Choices in a Drinking Culture. After short stints where she trained polo horses, worked as a flight attendant, hairdresser, and bartender, she revamped her life and settled in as a registered nurse. For the past twenty-nine years has worked with hundreds of women to overcome alcoholism, live better lives and become better parents. She was prompted to write Raising the Bottom when she realized after twenty plus years of working in hospitals, that doctors and traditional healthcare offer few solutions to women with addiction issues. You can start reading for free on Amazon. Follow her on Twitter @LBoucherAuthor and Instagram