We live in a boozy world, and unless you live under a rock, everyone knows it. The pendulum has swung in the direction of ubiquitous alcohol consumption, for every occasion, for every activity, and for every uncomfortable emotion under the sun there’s a corresponding cocktail to soothe your spirit. Have a cold? Try whiskey chai, a hot toddy, or maybe Old Irish cure with dark rum and ginger. You can find advice on what cocktails to order at a business dinner—stick with scotch instead of heaven forbid, a Long Island Iced Tea; best drink to have on Mother’s Day—Mimosas are the go-to favorite. Alcohol lobbyists saturate Washington DC; did you know there are eight hundred and eighty-two of them? And, if you think lobbyists have your wellbeing in mind you seriously need to get off the stoner drugs too.
Lives are destroyed every day from alcohol, but the common mindset is that “I’m not like those people,” “I would never do anything outrageous or illegal, and I would never get that bad.” Or, something like this, “Wow, those poor schmucks need to quit drinking, they’re out of control.” Those are just some of the comments and mindsets that I’ve heard over the years, and some of the people who uttered those statements were blissfully unaware of their own alcohol problems.
Why have we shifted our morals to where drinking is expected, and if you don’t drink then you’re no fun? Just this last week I saw pictures on social media of young affluent moms having a girls night out. All of them had drinks in hand, and all stood bunched together for one of those boozy-girls group pictures, but the horror of it all was that two of the women held toddlers. This past week I talked to a woman whose sister lay dead in a ravine, the car crash unbeknownst to the woman’s husband who never realized that his wife didn’t come back from church because he was drunk and it didn’t occur to him until the next morning to look for her. Then, there’s the lady in Nebraska who was drunk and rolled over onto her three-week-old child while intoxicated, and suffocated the baby.
These things don’t just happen to other people. They can happen to anyone. They happen to the guy or gal that you work with, they can happen to your friends and their friends. The elite thinking that your drinking is somehow beyond reproach—yet if you drink three, four or five times a week, your drinking is already in the danger zone, but because society convinces people that if they have a house, a job, and employed friends that there’s nothing to look at here.
Get Real
If you had a party and no booze, would anyone come? Probably not, so then we have to ask are people coming for the free alcohol or the company? Next time you’re at a party, pay attention. As one of my young adult son’s pointed out, “No one talks to each other anymore. They really just want to talk about themselves so I just nod and listen and they think I’m amazing.” He’s so right, and you add alcohol to all that self-centeredness and I’m not sure why anyone goes to parties anymore unless it’s to drink and hear themselves talk.
If you want to stay sober in a boozy world, you will have to make some changes.
Are you willing to Find New Friends?
I can say from personal experience that most of my drinking friends didn’t stick around for long after I quit drinking. If I was an alcoholic—what did that make them? No one wants to look in the mirror so they moved on to other friends who drank like they did, and I found new friendships built on foundations other than drinking.
So what does the newly sober person do or even the person in long-term recovery do to handle all this boozing if you still want to live life and not miss out? The truth is that we sober people are engaged in life in a big way. We do all sorts of cool things because we’re no longer wasting all of our time drinking, thinking about drinking and recovering from drinking. Most people I know in recovery have reconnected with old hobbies and discovered gifts they didn’t know that they had. I didn’t start writing books until I was sober. I never realized how much of my time lunching, brunching and bar hopping usurped. Then there’s the next day of lying on the couch recovering from drinking, only to feel better around four o’clock that the thought of another night on the town starts to sound like a good idea. Looking back, I do not miss that life. Not one bit.
Sober in a Drunk World
New sobriety can be treacherous to be around a lot of alcohol. In my early sobriety, I decided not to go to the yearly Kentucky Derby party that we’d been going to for years. In early sobriety, I found other things to do like go back to college and finish that degree I’d been working on for the past ten years but could never seem to finish when I was drinking. Eventually, though, I was able to get back into the swing of life. Within the year I was able to do whatever I wanted without being worried about drinking, but the beauty of it all was that I had no desire to go back to fake friends, bouts of drinking, drama, chaos and all the things that came with my old drinking lifestyle.
Benefits of Being Sober in a Drunk World
Instead, I found new friends and a new way of life in a twelve-step program. That’s worked for me and I love my life. As I mentioned, I started writing in sobriety; I went back to school—twice; I cook more; I love to grow things—food, flowers; I feed the birds and get a lot of joy from the hummingbirds that visit my feeders. I found a ranch in Wyoming where I go and get my horse fix. I’ve ridden since I was a kid but not so much in my adult life. I rekindled that love and it brings me joy to be in the barn with the horses and to ride in the wide open country with vistas that go on forever. I find a lot of joy in waking up sober. I’m sane. My kids respect me. Those are all priceless gifts that a drunk night on the town can’t give me.
When you realize all the benefits of sober life, and once the obsession to drink is lifted and when you can accept that alcohol did not make your life better—the rest is not so hard. The hard part is finding the willingness to lean in and learn how to live life, and love life—without alcohol. Some people sober up and realize my God, I don’t even know if I can make love anymore. I’ve never done it sober.
No Excuses
Did I mention that my husband still drinks? Did I mention that I was able to get sober and stay sober even though for the past twenty-nine years there has been alcohol in my home? There is no excuse not to get sober and stay sober if that’s what you want to do. Sobriety is for those who want it—not those who need it.
There are millions of people who go out and drink three, four and five drinks a night and still swear that they’re social drinkers, when in fact that amount of alcohol isn’t social and at the very least alcohol dependent. There are millions of people out there who would have far better lives if they quit drinking but they’re not ready to take that walk, and sadly, some never find the courage to change. The fear of the unknown keeps so many stuck in their disease.
Do I Have a Drinking Problem?
Not sure if you have a drinking problem? The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous suggests that people go out and have two drinks. No more and no less. If you can drink two drinks and be done, then you probably don’t have a problem. This means long term though. It doesn’t count if you go out one night and only drink two cocktails, and celebrate the next night with a twelve pack or two bottles of wine. What the two drink suggestion says is that if a person can always control their drinking and they don’t crave more after two drinks, then alcohol is probably not an issue. There are also alcoholics who binge drink. They may stop for three, six, maybe even nine months at a time, but when they do finally pick up they find they can’t stop.
Abnormal drinking is the new norm, so no one is alarmed anymore about the outright epidemic we have of people drinking themselves to death. It’s a global issue.
Get Connected
If you want to get sober and stay sober, yes, you can! Now more than ever there are all sorts of peer support groups, AA meetings (we have three hundred of them a week in my city) Facebook pages designated for sober people, and books galore. Getting sober and staying sober is all about willingness. How willing are you to go to any length to stay sober in a drunk world?
Lisa is the author of the multi-award winning book, Raising the Bottom: Mindful Choices in a Drinking Culture. After short stints where she trained polo horses, worked as a flight attendant, hairdresser, and bartender, she revamped her life and settled in as a registered nurse. For past twenty-eight years has worked with hundreds of women to overcome alcoholism, live better lives and become better parents. She was prompted to write Raising the Bottom when she realized after twenty plus years of working in hospitals, that doctors and traditional healthcare offer few solutions to women with addiction issues. You can also follow her on Twitter @LBoucherAuthor and Instagram