Can you quit drinking while living with someone who still drinks?
Hell, yes, you can. Is it ideal? No. No, it’s not an ideal situation, but it can be done and I’m living proof, as are many others who have figured out how to juggle the two opposing worlds of an alcohol-free life when we live in a world, and a house, where there’s a lot of alcohol. When I sobered up in 1989, it never occurred to me to expect my family to quit drinking, but the more I was around recovery rooms and other recovering people, I clear theme emerged. Over and over again I heard people say that they were never around alcohol. Some gave their spouses or SO ultimatums: quit drinking or were done. Others got lucky and lived with people who didn’t drink. I started to feel I’d accepted a raw deal in tolerating my husband’s drinking, but then, my first sponsor set me straight.
She was a no-nonsense type or woman. She had that black and white thinking that I could relate to, and she didn’t let me whine about anything. Instead, she told me the truth—you have to learn to deal with life on life’s terms. That woman was my sponsor for the first thirteen years of my recovery, and I would’ve hung on to her longer if I could’ve, but she moved out of state and has since passed. She was whip-smart, taught anatomy and physiology at a premier university. She was married to a surgeon and had found the balance and purpose in her life that I wanted. Her husband was a social drinker and continued to enjoy wine and the occasional cocktails through their entire married lives. From the get-go, she set me straight and made it clear that the world would not give a care if I stopped drinking or not. She said if I wanted to live fully and go anywhere, I better find a God who was bigger than my thirst for alcohol. End of discussion. As I wrote in my book, Raising the Bottom: “Patricia was a great example of someone who came to terms with her alcoholism, did what she had to do, and moved back into the mainstream of life. I wanted what she had.”
As noted in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. “We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. (AA p.85)
As the years passed, my husband continued to drink, and at times I wondered if he didn’t have a bit of an issue himself, but I had to stay focused on my recovery. We were only four years into the marriage when I decided to sober up, much to his dismay, I might add. A few months into my new-found recovery, my husband told me that was resentful of my choice. He lost his best drinking buddy. He thought I had maybe emotional problems, but dear God, not a drinking problem. I ignored him, and forged on in recovery, not caring at the time what he did or didn’t think.
I learned to set boundaries and told my husband to get another refrigerator and get this alcohol out of my face. He did. Those first few years of recovery I refused to people-please and said, no, to a whole lot of invitations to parties because I knew I wasn’t ready to deal with the questions, the looks, and of course all those tinkling glasses.
I immersed myself in recovery, stayed sober, and you guessed it, the people around me continued to drink. Again, was it an ideal situation? No, but for the most part, I listened, when people told me not to make any major decisions for at least a year. I did start nursing school and had a heaping full plate; I stuffed my marriage into a drawer much like we do with a pair of old socks that we can’t bring ourselves to throw away—at least not yet. I decided I’d get back to my marriage when I had more energy. As my mind began to clear, I knew I needed to be practical; I was two weeks sober when I found out I was pregnant with twins. I started nursing school when the babies were six months old, plus, I only had a little over a year sober. Was I ready to embark on a divorce? No way! At that time in my life, it would’ve been a disaster to set that sort of change in motion all because my husband drank.
We’ve been married thirty plus years now, and as a result of my recovery, he’s changed quite a bit. The dynamics of our relationship changed dramatically during the first few years of my sobriety, and I know we found a healthier spot. I also came to realize that recovery works on those around us too. The other person can’t help but change because we change. One day my husband looked at me and said, “You’re nothing like the girl I married.” At the time, I’m not sure he meant it as a compliment, but it was the best compliment I ever received. I was changing for the better, and in time he came to adore the new me. Sure, we’ve had ups and downs, but I have a great husband, and looking back, for me, I know I made the right decision.
Each of us has a different set of circumstances so there is no clear right or wrong answer. The whole point that I want to impart is that we can learn to live a sober life, have relationships with people who drink, go where we want, and live free if we’re willing to follow directions and do the work.
Would’ve I stayed in the marriage if my husband was a full-blown alcoholic? No, I’m sure I wouldn’t have. I left my first husband for that reason. I wasn’t sober at the time, but boy oh boy, he was the real deal. I drank like an amateur when I compared myself to him. Whew, thank God I’m not an alcoholic is what I used to think. (I liked comparing myself to him. I felt perhaps a bit superior. I justified my drinking and coke snorting behavior because I was so not like him.) Perhaps I would’ve caught on to his drinking problem if I’d been sober at the time or dated him longer than a few months, so I guess I had a part in that sh*t show too. He was the sort of alcoholic who was in full-flight from himself and any consequences which explains why he jumped out of a bathroom window when he thought my father came to town to have a few words about his drunken fits of rage and lack of steady employment. To this day I’ve never seen window-jumper again, but I’m sure you all agree that that’s an odd way to end a marriage—the final goodbye—a shower curtain fluttering in the breeze.
So there you have it: two separate marriages and circumstances. One I chose to leave, the other I chose to stay. Whatever choice you decide to make, think it all the way through. Play the tape forward and ask yourself this: Will my life, and if you have kids, their lives, be better with them, or without them?
5 Tips For Living With A Spouse or SO Who Drinks
- Set healthy boundaries. You should not have to look around and see a sea of alcohol in your own home.
- Set another boundary and let them know having a drink or two is one thing, but you will not put up with drunkenness.
- If he/she wants to go to a drinking bash type party, feel free to decline and feel free to do so without feeling guilty.
- Designate a few safe spaces in your home where no alcohol is allowed. For me, it’s my writing room, bedroom, and on holidays, the pouring is done elsewhere besides the kitchen.
- Have your spouse or SO use a cup that you can’t see through. That small gesture has helped so much.
Lisa is the author of the multi-award winning book, Raising the Bottom: Mindful Choices in a Drinking Culture. After short stints where she trained polo horses, worked as a flight attendant, hairdresser, and bartender, she revamped her life and settled in as a registered nurse. For the past twenty-nine years has worked with hundreds of women to overcome alcoholism, live better lives and become better parents. She was prompted to write Raising the Bottom when she realized after twenty plus years of working in hospitals, that doctors and traditional healthcare offer few solutions to women with addiction issues. You can start reading for free on Amazon. Follow her on Twitter @LBoucherAuthor and Instagram