Women in India Need Help Too
I love tossing around topics and running things by some of the women who read my FB blog to help get a feel for what’s going on in other parts of the world. Not surprising at all is the fact that women and our concerns are much the same wherever we live. We’re all far more alike than we are different. Through my blog, i’ve been fortunate to connect with many women in India on Facebook, Raising the Bottom L. B. Speaks. Women who live across the pond have as much to deal with as any woman, but they may even have to confront a few issues that some of us do not: Culturally, India operates as a predominately male dominated society; religion and cast may come into play, but according to my friend Bhanu, this too is changing. As more and more women become educated and earn, coupled with the internet that opens up new worlds and new ways of thinking, marriage bureaus (similar to online dating sites) are becoming more popular. Although arranged marriages are still quite common, more and more women want to choose their own mates.
Progress always brings new problems, and we must find solutions to accommodate the changes.
Meeting someone single who a woman can find love and compatibility with is just as difficult in India as it is in the States. Several reasons jump out: Women are changing. The world is changing. As women become better educated and make their own money, they’re more interested in love than they are a marriage arrangement. And then, there’s the drinking. More affluent women, according to Bhanu Krishnan, who lives in Nasik, said that it used to be that only a famous actor’s wife may drink liquor and wine in public, but life tends to evolve, regardless of where you live. Before now, “Common women [don’t ] drink in public.” The reason women don’t drink openly may have to do with the cultural norms, and traditional marriages where the woman is expected, “To [emotionally] support their husbands.” She also discussed another camp of women who have turned to alcohol, but they’re closet drinkers. They “Hide and don’t reveal” their private misery. Too often the reason women turn to alcohol is because they cannot deal with their loneliness, isolation, or feeling trapped in situations or marriages. They’re looking for a way to escape, and with the increased availability of alcohol, they’ve found at least, a temporary, yet destructive means of escape. According “The Times of India” drinking in India is up 55%, and the culture has begun to feel the detrimental effects.
When alcohol is involved, incidents of domestic violence also increase. I stumbled over an article that pointed to a pertinent stat that affects India’s families: According to the Guardian, the World Health Organization estimates that, “One in 20 men have an addiction or alcohol related disorder.” a stat that substantiates what I see here in America. Alcohol fuels domestic violence, and all sorts of dysfunction: jealousy, resentments, anger… this may be a more recent happenstance in India because alcohol is now more widely available, but this sort of familial and personal destruction has been going on in America ever since the first grapes were crushed. The people in India are now waking up, and not happily so, to the social problems created by an alcohol fueled society.
What the heck is going on? I’ll tell you what I think: 1.) There is nothing worse than feeling that you are backed into a corner and have little options for life to get better. 2.) Alcohol companies spend billions on advertising. 3.) When life gets too much, whether you’re male or female, people are desperate to find something–anything to relieve their emotional pain–and for too many, alcohol becomes their solution. Alcohol will seem to numb the pain–until it turns on you. But for some, it’s a way to medicate, maybe for decades, until the alcohol catches up and grabs you by the throat.
In addition, attitudes have changed. Some women feel entitled to have it all. When they realize that they didn’t marry or can’t find prince or princess charming, life starts to feel unfair. What’s a person to do with all that disappointment that they feel? Bhanu, believes that arranged marriages last longer and have a better success rate than love marriages. Perhaps there’s something to be said to enter into marriage as a partnership, and everyone has a clear picture of what it will look like prior to the wedding day, as opposed to that wild kind of love that can be quite intense but fizzles out just as quickly. She also thinks a lack of “faith and trust”, can tip many marriage toward divorce. Does this all sound familiar? Of course it does. People are people and love is love, but when love doesn’t meet our expectations, too often woman flee for the door—or we turn to alcohol, men, food, or any number of destructive patterns can come into play in order to find solace.
The solution to most social problems is to foster strong families, and for heavens sake, as parent’s, we need to teach our children healthy coping skills! But what if we never learned coping skills? I can tell you from personal experience that neither of my parent’s taught any of their four children how to cope. I only learned healthy coping skills once I decided to get sober back in 1989; it was then that I became willing to relearn how to live life. My first reaction was to drink “at” things, but as most of us learn, drinking only creates more problems, It makes everything worse, never better.
What is the solution for India? I can’t say for certain since I don’t know all the ins and outs of the culture, nor do I know what sort of social services are available. What I would suggest is that any women faced with domestic violence from a husband who is abusive and violent, especially when he may be under the influence of alcohol, that she look into finding women who are interested in creating safe spaces for women and children who are victims of domestic violence. Places similar to the Artemis house that we have here in the states for women and children who need to flee. Just about every city in America has someplace similar to help women and children. If such places are not available in India, perhaps you could get together with your friends and start one!
We can come together as a global community to talk about and address the problems that we see. Hiding behind our issues, suffering in silence, or ignoring the facts don’t help individuals, nor can we help heal families if we run from problems that are difficult to discuss. India is on the cusp of further change, and my hope is that the women in India will rise up and start to talk more openly about their problems: alcoholism, mental illness, and any number of things that drive a person to self-medicate or suffer in silence.
Here’s to all the strong women in the world; it’s time to take off the masks and be real.
I love you and hope you will come here to discuss whatever you want to talk about. This is a safe community for you to let down your guard. Let’s talk!