Codependency—so what is it?
Codependency is usually a learned behavior and crops up frequently in families where alcoholism or heavy drinking plays a role, but it can also occur in families not plagued by alcoholism, but perhaps in families who have become entrenched in dysfunctional communication patterns; most often, a child learns maladaptive behavior patterns from a parent, or becomes codependent when they have a parent who is incapable for any number of reasons, to parent from a place of strength.
Control, as with alcoholism, takes center stage in codependency. The codependent person will think they need to micromanage and control every person within ear shot. They end up getting sicker and sicker because their focus is never turned inward to where they will look at themselves or their behavior; they are always looking outward and will frequently blame people and situations for “how they feel.” The need to be in charge and to steer everyone’s life but their own, leaves them exhausted and resentful. They may also be perfectionists. They may struggle with low self-esteem. They may feel they never quite live up to other’s expectations: they may also be people pleaser’s who end up making everyone else happy, while inwardly, they seethe with anger, resentment, and fear.
If a codependent ever decides to seek emotional health for themselves, they may come to the disturbing realization that they have no clue who they are, what they like, and how they feel. They had spent so much time focused on the needs of others or playing referee to any number of squabbles that they never took a hard look at themselves.
This is the stark reality of where codependency takes a person. Similar to the alcoholic who blames all of their troubles on someone or something else, the codependent will more likely point to two or three people in their lives and then blame them for “making them feel a certain way.” Any failures they may have are often blamed on other people or circumstances.
Codependents can be bossy and may be the sort of person who answers questions for other people, covers for other people, and makes excuses for their partner or people in their family who would be better served if they were allowed to take responsibility for themselves. Codependent are also the persons who think that if they didn’t take care of “it” all, the whole family would fall apart without them. Codependents may try to control others through manipulation or passive aggressive behavior, and they can often look so lovely that no one suspects the inner turmoil raging inside them.
These qualities mirror the traits in alcoholism, but the codependent usually is not someone who drinks to quell their inner turmoil. They are too busy running interference in everyone else’s life. However, if you think you’re codependent, but enjoy your wine on a regular basis, perhaps your feeling of angst, anxiety, or deep seated anger is really the result of a budding alcohol problem. I have known many men and women who thought they were codependent (the problem was always with someone else or so they thought), but when they got honest with themselves, they realized that perhaps they had all the pent up rage, fear, and self-loathing because they had become dependent or addicted to alcohol and their thinking pattern was as destructive to themselves as it was to those around them.
This is an honest mistake. People who are codependent, as I mentioned, are so busy taking everyone else’s inventory that they gloss right over their character flaws, and the things that aren’t working in their own lives because they’re overly focused on others. It may never occur to them to look at themselves or their behavior.
Indications you may be codependent:
- You never let people finish a sentence. You answer questions for your SO and make excuses for them, often.
- You project out into the future and usually what you project is never good.
- You focus on what everyone else does that annoys you, but rarely look at your behavior.
- You may harbor deep shame that you never dealt with or acknowledged.
- You like to be in control. It makes you feel okay about yourself.
- You are passive aggressive and find ways to get back at people in subtle ways.
- You are constantly seeking approval at home and/or work.
- You blame others—a lot, for how you do or don’t feel that day.
- Your family may have secrets.
If you think you’re codependent and want to break free of the maddening cycle, as is true with any sort of recovery, a person has to be willing to put in the work; alanon is a wonderful program and uses the twelve steps much like AA does. I have been a member of alanon myself, because I struggle with the behaviors that may have started in childhood when my alcoholic mother was incapable of parenting: She’d enlist me or my brother to help her dispose of the arsenal of empty bottles we occasionally found stashed in the oddest of places. We often had to save her from herself or help her to bed when she was too drunk to stand. Anytime a child has to step up and cover up—well, that’s a darn good way to foster codependency. Also mothers who aren’t emotionally healthy may produce kids that lean toward codependency.
The good news is that anyone who wants to break the chain of destructive thinking can find relief if they are willing to put in the time and do the work. The twelve steps are free for the taking, and I have seen too many changed lives to say that they don’t work. Yes, the steps do work–but not if you’re lazy. Lazy people rarely move on to find a new way of life!