Why Cool Moms Don’t Drink

Let’s start with the kiss. How many babies, toddlers, and young kids want to get smooched by parents or grandparents who have beer or wine breath? How many babies and kids out there want a mom who can’t get through the day without a glass of wine? Do moms understand that babies and children can sense the change in your demeanor after a few drinks? I’ve had moms tell me that their child began to cringe as young as three years old when they saw mom working to uncork the bottle because they knew that after mom drank from that bottle she changed.

The nondrinking mom is cool because she’s far more patient. After a few drinks, the wine mom may get snippy, impatient, and distracted. Toddlers sense the change in mom’s demeanor and their reaction may be to become clingy or whiny. The alcohol has already upset the equilibrium of the mother-child relationship, yet somehow, mom will justify that she deserves to “relax” and the unfortunate scenario of mom justifying her drinking will play out over and over again. The societal bar has been lowered to where women drink on playdates and then drive their babies and toddlers’ home, if not buzzed, tipsy.

Drinking is a selfish pursuit. Can anyone name one valuable effect of drinking? Can anyone name one relationship that has been made better with booze? I’m going to say that’s a big fat, no. We all know relationships and families destroyed by alcohol—but virtually none that have been enhanced.

If you’re the mom who drinks because all of your friend’s drink, that’s an uncool reason to partake. That follow the crowd mentality is the exact sort of behavior that you’d be horrified if your kids did. Don’t we all want kids who will stand up to bullies and people who make poor choices? If your kids don’t see you standing up to women who can’t seem to stop making life all about them or their “fun”—as a role model—you’re failing. And, keep in mind—the time spent drinking could be time spent teaching your kids all the things that schools no longer teach—like cursive.

Cool moms get this. Cool moms appreciate that kids will only be young for a short time. Cool moms also understand that children are a gift from God, and to make their early years all about mom, her drinking, and her friend group—well, that’s just not cool. In fact, it’s heartbreakingly sad. I have talked to too many women who live with guilt and shame or struggle to forgive themselves (once they stop drinking and realize how they behaved) for missing their childrens’ childhoods because they were too busy drinking and partying.

There’s a whole camp of women out there who find themselves deep into alcoholism when their kids are all still young. It starts so innocently. A few glasses of wine with friends….and before you know it mom’s gone, and kids, well, they don’t fit into the drinking life.

Drinking wreaks havoc on a family. If you don’t believe that ask the millions of alcoholic moms who are now in recovery. They will tell you about the divorces, the shoddy parenting, the remorse they feel. They will tell you how their disease started probably in high school. Yup, the drinking started back then and never stopped. In fact, it picked up in their twenties but always under the guise of girl’s night out or holidays or “I only drank two” (when everyone including yourself knows that’s a lie), and the excuses go on and on. Meanwhile, the disease has taken hold in your brain. Your brain now screams for the dopamine hit. You think about drinking when you’re not drinking and perhaps you now even crave a drink, but because you have a nice house and a good job—all is normal, right?

That’s how people slide into addiction. That’s why some moms can’t parent well because they’re still locked in adolescence themselves. They’re self-centered, immature…moms who make their kids all about them. They want their kids to look a certain way; achieve certain things—and most times moms desire for her kids to achieve has little to do with what’s best for the child and everything to do with mom wanting to look good. See—it’s still all about mom.  We all see the parents who act like that; parents who can’t stop making everything all about them. Their control, Their micromanaging. All of it screams—I’m terrified—so I will control, manipulate and do what I need to do to feel okay.

As an RN who has worked with kids, I can tell you that 90% of the doctors and staff agree that most kids who have issues and are in crisis are because of poor parenting. Too often, poor parenting has to do with some form of substance abuse. Yes, wine time all the time is substance abuse. Just because the drinking takes place at the country club or in a five-bedroom house, doesn’t make it less destructive than other addicts diseases; the end results are all the same. Ruined families, desperate kids, and for what—so mom can have “fun?”

The truth about alcohol:

• Drinking lowers one’s standards. What you cared about before you started drinking may no longer be significant now that you’re two or three drinks into the day or evening.

• It’s impossible to be in the moment or have good judgment when you add alcohol: Alcohol shuts down the prefrontal cortex—the part of your brain that is responsible for higher reasoning.

• Moms used to never mix parenting and alcohol (unless they were alcoholics). Now, moms feel justified to combine the two. Question: What happens if the baby or your toddler chokes in the next room while you’re too busy popping corks with your friends? You realize all this day drinking is alcoholism normalized, right?

Parenting is hard work. If you have to use alcohol to cope with parenting your problem is already alcohol and a lack of healthy coping skills. Cool moms are adults. They have adult coping skills and can handle the monotony, the sheer thankless nature of being a parent when some days it feels like the day will never end and you have nothing left at all to give because you’ve been sucked dry by the sheer volume of emotional capital that it takes to deal with your baby, child, or children. Here’s the deal—we’ve all had those parenting days, but healthy adults don’t drink over them, nor do they drink to reward themselves for doing what parents must do. If mom needs a gold star in the form of a drink to be a parent, her family is in trouble. Instead, sober-up so you can grow up and be present. Parenting is hard: Take the bitter with the sweet.

When you think of the childless couples that would give anything to have a child, it makes me sad for the women that are blessed with children and who then proceed to act like the child or children are an inconvenience. They still whine about not having time for themselves or they feel entitled to go out drinking to get away and have “fun.” That logic is twisted and destructive. If you can’t deal with not being free to bar hop and get drunk with the girls—then why did you have children? They don’t ask to be born and they sure as hell would never ask for a boozy wine mom.

I had a wine mom. I am in recovery. Thank God I sobered up before I had my twins. I can’t imagine what sort of a parent I could’ve been. I quit drinking long before I drank every day. I quit drinking before I was physically dependent. I quit drinking because I got honest with myself and saw that alcohol was involved in all of my activities. My idea of fun was to only go places where alcohol was served. I liked to reward myself with wine, beer or liquor.  When alcohol is that much a part of your life—your drinking is no longer “social.” Our society has normalized alcoholism. If we don’t want a generation of children raised by wine moms (aka problem drinkers or alcoholics) who have few coping skills, and therefore cannot teach what they don’t have—we need to stand up to the destructive glorification of our wine culture.

Cool moms don’t drink because they are grateful to be present. They decide they don’t want to suffer the guilt of catering more to their drinking friends than they do their innocent children who just want a cool mom who can parent, problem-solve, and who has her shit together and doesn’t walk around with a wine glass dangling from her hand. And ladies, keep this in mind: Once your child sees you stagger, slur your words or act the fool because you had too much to drink—they will never “un-see” it. Your credibility is on the line every single day. Role modeling matters.