Why You Do the Opposite of What You Say You Want?
There’s a disconnect between the desire to look good and what we do to take care of ourselves.
There’s a disconnect between what we say we want for our kids and how we parent.
There’s a disconnect between the health we say we want and the lifestyle choices that we make.
Can we ever get on the same page with what we want and what we do?
Disconnect Example #1: Years ago, I had an epiphany one day while walking out of the health food store with eighty-dollars worth of supplements, and God only knows what else was piled into the bag that I carried in my arms. I remember plodding across the parking lot and stepped out of the traffic—to light a cigarette. After that first long pull, it dawned on me, this is insane. I looked at the cigarette and tossed it to the ground. Something clicked: There was no amount of money spent on wellness products or supplements that would do me a bit of good as long as I continued to smoke, (and at the time I drank too). Why did it take so long for me to see the reality of my behavior? Why were my actions so disconnected from what I said I wanted—to be healthy?
So many times, we say we want one thing and then set about in every conceivable way to sabotage attainment of what we claim that we want.
Think how many times you’ve said you needed to lose weight and ten minutes later here comes the bagel or donut cart and before you know it you’re clutching an everything bagel slathered with cream cheese; or you polish off a half dozen donut holes before you stop to think how many you ate?
For many of us, we’re always on a diet until we’re tempted, and then, well, we’ll have just on bite and before you know it a sleeve of thin mints is gone. Oops. Most of us can indulge here and there, but when any vice becomes a coping skill—just like alcohol, sex, gambling—things get out of whack. One woman told me that she used to worry about what sort of chairs people had at their house because she was terrified of sitting in something that might not hold her. Her pain is real. Her weight was real—but the disconnect comes when we blame the food instead of the behavior.
It’s not that people with addictions are weak; it’s that people with addictions use a substance or destructive behavior to suppress or self-medicate painful emotions. People don’t self-medicate their happy times—but they sure do the trauma, the low self-worth, self-doubt, fear, grief, anger, resentments—emotions that are complicated to sort through and resolve. As life marches on, it becomes a way of life to suppress and ignore those troublesome emotions rather than deal with them.
Are too many of us sleep-walking through life? How many times have you gone through one rote motion after the other and none of them mean a thing because your mind is elsewhere—usually in the future or the past—but not in the present?
Think of all the times you’ve heard people talk about exercising and in the next breath they’re cracking up, and confess that the treadmill in their bedroom doubles as a clothes rack for hand washed items. Same with boozing: You say you want to cut back on drinking because the hangovers are robbing you of your days, yet by four o’clock the hangover has been forgotten and you stop on the way home from work and pick up that bottle of wine, or two, knowing that you’ll drink at least one of them, and maybe both.
Is everyone full of Sh*t? Do people just say what sounds good? Or, do we say one thing and do another because change is hard?
Disconnect Example #2: Parenting: Most all parents want the same thing for their kids: to have healthy, well-adjusted children who will grow up to be good people who can take care of themselves and handle their business. However, there’s a disconnect in what we want our children to be and what we role-model to them. There are the parents who instruct over their nightly three cocktails, telling their kids what they should do, but not showing them how it’s done. There are the parents who say they want healthy well-balanced kids but when their kids don’t act the way they think they should or get the grades that the parents want, off to the doctor they go to find the magic pill that will make everything all right. What usually happens instead, is the parent’s actions catapult the child on a downhill slide into a life of poor coping and possibly addiction.
Better parenting would decrease the need for medication in children. Are parents just lazier, or are they too much of a mess themselves that they can’t parent well because emotionally, they’ve never grown up? It may seem like a harsh question to ask, but if we want to truly help our kids, it makes sense that we first help ourselves. Children who grow up in dysfunctional families with poor role-models are more likely to struggle. How can you teach a child how to cope with the hard things in life if your coping skill is to drink, eat at, shop at IT, whatever IT may be? Parents can preach all that they want, but it’s what you do that sticks with the child.
Disconnect example #3: Most destructive behavior always goes back to buried emotions. The disconnect comes when we refuse to acknowledge that we’re hurting from some unhealed emotional wound. The disconnect comes in the denial that anything within us is broken, and the acceptance of, well, this is the way I am. This is the way that life is. The problem with ignoring our issues is that we live in a state of perpetual disconnectedness.
The first step in correcting whatever it is that needs corrected is to be honest that there is a problem. As with recovery from alcoholism—there is no chance for recovery as long as the person stays in denial, but the moment they acquiesce to the notion that not only do they have a problem but that they want to do something about it—change, and recovery is now possible.
Most problems in life are a result of fear. Many stay stuck in destructive habits because at least those habits are safe. People know what to expect. Other reasons people stay stuck is that they fear what may happen or they fear if they don’t go along with the crowd then they won’t have a crowd. Perhaps the first step in growing up and learning to live well is to decide that maybe it’s time to blaze a new trail and stop worrying what will happen. The decision to take charge of your life—step out of the mayhem and stop doing those things that no longer work, beats plodding along in a haze of self-medication. Life is meant to be lived—not endured. You deserve more than an unsettled life of quiet desperation.
Lisa is the author of the multi-award winning book, Raising the Bottom: Mindful Choices in a Drinking Culture. After short stints where she trained polo horses, worked as a flight attendant, hairdresser, and bartender, she revamped her life and settled in as a registered nurse. For the past twenty-nine years has worked with hundreds of women to overcome alcoholism, live better lives and become better parents. She was prompted to write Raising the Bottom when she realized after twenty plus years of working in hospitals, that doctors and traditional healthcare offer few solutions to women with addiction issues. You can start reading for free on Amazon. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @LBoucherAuthor.