Can Moms party and parent successfully? The short answer to that question is, no, they can’t. When you see moms fighting with their friends, moms sashaying around bars, restaurants, and the house with a wine glass dangling from their wrists like a third appendage, (as kids look on), I’m pretty sure many see nothing wrong with their choices…just like the perfectly coiffed woman in the Range Rover who sports a MomOn8ter vanity plate sees nothing odd about tooling around town with a travel mug filled with wine in the holder—we can rationalize whatever behaviors fit our agenda, but the fact remains that money or chronological age doesn’t equal emotional intelligence or maturity. The lack of maturity in some women explains so much: it explains why parents throw hissy fits when their kids don’t play the whole basketball or soccer game—it explains the cat fights that women have with each other that seems far pettier than the ones their sixth-grade daughters get into. It also explains why grown women will pressure their friends to drink with them or boot a friend out of a “friend” group if they don’t jump on board with the party lifestyle.
The reason for so much immaturity among adults is alcohol. As I ask in Raising the Bottom: Do you want to party, or do you want to parent? It’s a fair question that every woman should ask herself before she makes the decision to become a mother. Honest answers to that question would produce fewer unhappy, confused children in the world. You can’t be present in life and not see the dysfunctional, ineffective parenting that takes place. Our children need role models and continue to suffer because of poor parental decisions.”
Most people don’t understand how alcohol abuse blunts emotional growth. When alcohol is used at a young age, booze becomes your coping skill and prevents a person from feeling and learning other ways to cope. We all have to experience hard lessons in life—those trying times and situations that help us mature and become adults—but if you’ve never allowed yourself to learn other coping mechanisms besides alcohol, how can you help your kids when emotionally, you’re as blunted, confused and scared as they are?
Too many people continue to think that if a person has money and prestige that they also have emotional intelligence. Our society is superficial enough to think if someone has achieved any sort of monetary success that they must have it all together. Our society is just superficial enough to believe that if a woman looks fabulous on the outside that she must have it all together on the inside. These gross generalizations help keep people stuck.
When the only thing you can role model to your children is a celebratory or conciliatory cocktail, what do they learn that’s worthwhile to them?
We have to care more about our children than we do what our friends think, but sadly, all you have to do is peruse FB to see that some women sound as desperate as the teenagers that they’re raising. Of course, life isn’t always fair, but if we can’t handle rejection, failure, or loss, how do you teach your kids? When Mom’s solution is to have a drink, what coping skill do you pass on that will be useful to your children? So many women have deep regrets about the way they raised their kids. As I point out in Raising the Bottom: I know countless women who felt they were decent parents until they quit drinking and realized they had been emotionally unavailable and self-absorbed to the nth degree, and they regret that they were never fully present in their children’s lives.
Ideas & questions to consider:
1.) The drinking, the parties, the lack of being present, but the sad part is is that none of the women were able to see the truth about themselves until they stopped drinking.
2.) Have we become oblivious to the importance of kids having parents who can role-model the behavior they want to see in their kids?
3.) How can we teach children if we don’t hold ourselves accountable to the same standards?
Women tend to rationalize and justify their behavior. A few drinks with friends seem harmless, but is it? When you go home to two or three kids all vying for your attention, are you the same mom with three drinks under your belt as you are when you’re sober? The answer is no, no you’re not. Stop deluding yourself—if you think your kids can’t tell that you’ve been drinking, think again. Here’s what Lucy had to say about her mom, Caro’s drinking: I could see how alcohol affected her. It made her irritable. She would say stupid things to me and my brother. We didn’t think any of them were funny. She wasn’t enjoyable to be around.”
Caro is a surgeon who only drank when she got home from work—every night, and her kids were fed up. Caro shared her story in Raising the Bottom and says: As with so many women, my drinking was only occurring in social settings. Toward the end of my surgical residency, I was going through a divorce. I discerned that wine helped quell some of my inner turmoil. I had all these feeling jutting out all over the place: hurt, anger, fear, rage. I couldn’t deal with them.
The mommy wine culture ruins families, yet alcohol is thrust front and center into each day. Where are the moms who want more for their kids? Why don’t they speak up and put a kibosh on some of the nonsense they see swirling around them?
I’m not sure some women even know that there is another way to live and raise children without buying into the wine culture, and odds are that drinking will do far more harm to yourself and your family than you could’ve ever imagined. Perhaps more women would reevaluate their choices, and maybe if they asked themselves this one simple question, they’d make a different choice: It this who I really want to be?
Do I want to own the label of a “wine-mom,” or do I want my kids to think I’ve accomplished something more than being the best drinker on the block?
We all have choices, and just because some women make the choice to be the party-mom, well that’s fine, but you don’t have to buy into that nonsense. Instead, you can create a safe environment at home where your kids will learn how to navigate this crazy world because they’ll be taught how to feel their feeling and overcome adversity without rushing to quell their raging emotions with a drink.
Lisa is the author of the multi-award winning book, Raising the Bottom: Mindful Choices in a Drinking Culture. After short stints where she trained polo horses, worked as a flight attendant, hairdresser, and bartender, she revamped her life and settled in as a registered nurse. For the past twenty-nine years has worked with hundreds of women to overcome alcoholism, live better lives and become better parents. She was prompted to write Raising the Bottom when she realized after twenty plus years of working in hospitals, that doctors and traditional healthcare offer few solutions to women with addiction issues. You can start reading for free on Amazon. Follow her on Twitter @LBoucherAuthor and Instagram