Even with all the progress that’s been made in the dialogue surrounding alcoholism and addiction, I’m still baffled that labels, stigma, and for some—the shame of claiming a disease that they think if they only had enough willpower, they could control. Is it shame that keeps so many in denial and from accepting the truth about themselves and their drinking?
I recently saw the movie, “A Star is Born.” Bradly Cooper and Lady Gaga are magnificent in their roles, and the only criticism I have is that they portrayed Cooper as the sort of alcoholic that people tend to think of when they think of alcoholism: he was a falling down drunk—but that is only one face of the disease. Sadly, the most common perception floating around in the world is that in order to qualify as an alcoholic, you have to be a complete mess, on the inside and outside—or that a person has to be on the streets, or end up on the six o’clock news in order to have an addiction/alcohol problem. Nothing could be further from the truth!
The vast majority of alcoholics and addicts that I know are people who suffer from the same alcoholism I had, but because they get up every day and go to work, they refuse to believe alcohol is their problem. Sure, they may sweat and feel like crap most of the day, but because they made it into work they think—how can I have a problem? Most all of the addicts and alcoholics that I know have families, some coach little league sports teams, others are involved in their communities; these are people who appear to function as normally as the next person, yet behind the façade, they’re falling apart. Often these are people who are unhappy, depressed, and muddle through the weeks, days and years living lives of quiet desperation, but outwardly, they look just fine.
The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, written in 1939 points out the same exact premise:
“We are average Americans. All sections of this country and many of its occupations are represented, as well as many political, economic, social, and religious backgrounds.”
The above explanation describes alcoholics, but ask most people what they think of when they hear the word alcoholic, and they will describe it something like this: an alcoholic is someone who drinks, falls down and passes out every day. People never describe the person who drinks every day and feels miserable, but who can function. People rarely think of an alcoholic as the stay at home mom with three children, the attorney, the corporate executive, or their child’s fourth-grade teacher. Alcoholism can affect anyone. It’s all of us.
Stigma—A Misrepresentation.
As real as the wino on skid row or the junkie in a drug house are the moms and dads who you see at the park pushing strollers, but how many of them have a flask stashed in their purse or jacket pockets? How many do we see saunter around the park with a solo cup in their hand? These are the parents that are overwhelmed with life because the booze is taking up more and more of their time—and there was so little time to being with…these may be the people who struggle with depression but they refuse to consider that when you ingest a depressant on a daily basis (alcohol) it’s no surprise that they feel depressed; then there are the people who are addicted to a multitude of prescription medications but because a doctor has prescribed it—they’re certain that they can’t be an addict.
As a societal whole—we must change the way we think about addiction and alcoholism.
Thank goodness for all the Facebook pages that have popped up in recent years. There are so many good ones that I can’t begin to name them all, but here are a few examples: She Recovers, Recovery is the New Black, Sober Women, and Happy, Joyous and Free to name a few. What a blessing for women to have so many options and avenues to connect. It’s amazing to connect with people who have decided they deserve more out of life than a party life—there are online groups where they can go for support and learn that you don’t have to end up in jail, kill someone, experience a DUI, or wait until your liver fails to realize that alcoholism can strike some pretty cool people and that recovery is possible without hitting low bottoms. Perhaps if more people continued to find the courage to recover in the wide open spaces of their lives that more and more people would realize that the picture they have in their heads of what an alcoholic or drug addict looks like is not what it looks like for the majority of us who have claimed our disease, dealt with our disease, and now live productive and happy lives, with our disease.
I hope that more and more people will find themselves in circumstances where they can be honest about their recovery without the label hindering their professional aspirations. If you’re in that sort of situation and can shout it out, I say, hell yes! Let the world know that it is not mandatory to ruin your life before putting the cork in the bottle. In my work life, I kept my recovery to myself until last year when Raising the Bottom hit the stands. Before then, how could I? I work in healthcare; amongst professionals who are supposed to know a little something about alcoholism and addiction, but the reality of what I’ve encountered over the past twenty-five years has been the opposite: Healthcare is filled with some of the most judgmental, and when it comes to addiction and alcoholism, poorly educated people…the lack of knowledge and pissy attitudes, well, it’s jaw-dropping.
It’s appalling to work with therapists who can’t get through treatment team without talking about all the mojitos and Coronas they drank last night, or the gal who glares and with a dismissive shrug says things like, “That doesn’t apply to me. I’ll never need that sort of help.” Or, the doctors who say stupid stuff like, “He/she used to have an alcohol problem but they’re not an alcoholic anymore. We’ll keep them on the Klonopin though.”
It took getting sober and staying sober for me to see—really see—what a boozy culture we all live in.
We’re all bombarded with a constant onslaught of alcohol ads and attitudes that wants us to believe that we need more wine in order to live happy productive lives; it takes a backbone to say, no, no we don’t need alcohol to thrive. In fact, for many of us, alcohol is the poison that damn near destroyed us and our families.
Some people who swear they don’t have a drinking problem have no idea what alcoholism is: If you have a drink and crave a second, third, and fourth…that’s a basic premise right there. The “phenomena” of craving that the Big Book talks about. How many people don’t even know this? How many people don’t understand that alcoholism is an allergy to alcohol?
Women especially like to think that if they can abstain from alcohol during their pregnancy that they can’t possibly be an alcoholic. Many women who are alcoholics do abstain during their pregnancies, but for some, by the time the third or fourth kid rolls around, they can no longer stay dry. Fiona, an MD who shared her story in Raising the Bottom, in a chapter I titled, “Babies and Booze”:
“I rarely drank when pregnant with my first three children. But by the time my fourth pregnancy rolled around, my disease had progressed. I was in my first trimester, and I drank a whole fifth of scotch over the course of one night. The next morning my oldest daughter tried to wake me to take them to school. She couldn’t rouse me. I was passed out. She called a woman we knew to come over. I’d scared her that bad. The whole next day, I vomited. The thought came: I hope I didn’t hurt the baby.
I still didn’t think I was an alcoholic. I justified all of it, but the internal dialogue started. I kept thinking I wasn’t an alcoholic…
Another way to tell if you may be an alcoholic is if you’re slowly ruining all of your relationships. Are you kids angry? Do you have health issues that may be related to alcohol such as pancreatitis, heart disease, high blood pressure, hypo or hyperglycemia (alcohol turns to sugar in the body), depression, anxiety? All of these health issues can have their birthplace in alcoholism.
Alcoholism is the proverbial robber. It robs people of their ambition, creativity, talents and gifts. Alcoholism steals relationships, stability, self-respect and peace of mind.
I have never regretted for one second that I got sober and stayed sober. I never regretted not doing all the dumb and dangerous things that I could’ve gotten into had I kept drinking. I will tell you this; if you’re wondering at all if you drink too much, you probably do.
In twenty-nine years of recovery, I have yet to meet even one person who regretted getting sober, but I’ve met many who wished that they hadn’t waited so long. Be brave!
Lisa is the author of the multi-award winning book, Raising the Bottom: Mindful Choices in a Drinking Culture. After short stints where she trained polo horses, worked as a flight attendant, hairdresser, and bartender, she revamped her life and settled in as a registered nurse. For the past twenty-nine years has worked with hundreds of women to overcome alcoholism, live better lives and become better parents. She was prompted to write Raising the Bottom when she realized after twenty plus years of working in hospitals, that doctors and traditional healthcare offer few solutions to women with addiction issues. You can start reading for free on Amazon. Follow her on Twitter @LBoucherAuthor and Instagram