Recently, a popular pop singer posted a controversial picture of herself on social media where she sits with a raised glass of wine, champagne, or who knows what was in the glass as some liked to argue, while breast feeding her baby. As far as I’m concerned, it seems that most people on both sides of the melt-down missed the point. It isn’t so much about women who drink and breast feed, (which I think is a terrible idea), but what’s disturbing is the number of women who support self-absorbed or dangerous behaviors and lash out at others who object to the stunning selfishness of a woman who has to flaunt her booze while holding an innocent child who has no say so in the matter.
The next argument that flared is that “My doctor said it’s harmless,” but these are the same doctors who prescribe Ativan, Xanax and any number of medications that keep people tied to their physicians; many doctors dole out medications that over time can send a life careening downhill. Anymore, half of the new doctors rolling through the hospitals look half zonked out themselves, so I’m leery about doctors and know that they don’t always make the right call. Once you work with them for decades you tend to see the reality, and the reality is that not all doctors have your best interest at heart. They want to get you in and out as quickly as possible and will pretty much do whatever it takes to keep you happy and keep you coming back.
But It’s My Right!
Sure, I get it, to each his own, but if you step back and look at the bigger picture, it seems that there are too many mommies who need attention, and to hell with what’s best for the baby. There’s been a huge societal shift in attitudes and behaviors that gives a pass to just about anything, regardless how egregious the behavior, there’s a camp of people who will come to its defense.
Science Shouldn’t be Selective
It’s an indisputable fact that alcohol is a Group A (class 1) carcinogen. No one in their right mind would give their baby tobacco or asbestos, two other Group A or (class 1) carcinogens, and even though alcohol fits into the exact same category as tobacco and asbestos, people defend alcohol to the nth degree—the same people who’d be outraged to see a mother smoking and breastfeeding, but drinking is okay because when you like to drink you cosign on other people’s BS.
What happened to science? What happened to sensibility? What happened to selflessness?
What happened to people being offended by things that are highly offensive to our health? If a mom knowingly gave her baby tobacco or asbestos, Children’s Protective Services would tear down the door to get to a child who they thought was being poisoned, but because it’s alcohol, and alcohol is woven into the fabric of our culture—it’s fine. No one wants to speak out because they don’t want to be labeled as no fun or ostracized from their friend group.
Grow up!
All you have to do is peruse social media to realize that there are no shortages of pictures where you’ll see packs of young women all with raised glasses in hand. These are future and current mothers, and I wonder how many children will be traumatized by mothers who may at some point lose control of their drinking: the women who will drag their kids through two, three and four marriages; the mothers who will leave their kids with unsafe babysitters because they “deserve” to go out, yet again; the mothers who will land in alcoholism and the familial turmoil that will ensue…when alcohol becomes your love, everything takes a back seat. So I have to ask, why do so many women defend drinking? Why do so many vehemently defend a young women’s right to ingest a Group A carcinogenic, that for far too many will cause far more harm than good in their lives? Breast cancer, colon, liver and other cancers are proven to be linked to alcohol. The only explanation is that drinkers defend drinking, and I can say that with confidence because I’ve been there myself.
Social Drinkers Don’t Defend Unsociable or Unhealthy Behaviors
Wouldn’t it make more sense to encourage extreme moderation and abstinence, at least while breast feeding? Wouldn’t a real friend tell you the truth that drinking more than one drink a day is not social or safe? I think the only reason women defend our outrageous drinking culture is because they’re teetering on the edge of alcohol abuse themselves.
When I see pictures of drunk girls all bunched together and posing with their glassy eyes and bejeweled hands all dangling filled glasses, my first thought is usually, how sad, I hope they don’t continue drinking like that well into their thirties and forties. By then most women have children. Is this who they really want to be?
One woman, Fiona, contributed her experience with alcoholism in a short chapter titled, “Babies, Bottles, and Booze,” in my book Raising the Bottom: Making Mindful Choices in a Drinking Culture; she talked about her years in medical school how she drank, but so did everyone else—no problem. Eventually though, her one glass of wine turned in to two, then four, and pretty soon, who cares? Why bother to count?
Fiona talked about how by the time her fourth child rolled around, she ended up drinking a whole bottle of liquor and passed out while breastfeeding her son. And it all started years before with what seemed like an innocent glass of wine. No one ever sets out to be an alcoholic, but I think we need to remember that if you practice drinking every day, at some point in your life you’ll probably end up with an alcohol problem.
Most all alcoholics that I know started out as social drinkers. I know that’s how it started for me, but somewhere along the way I stepped over the imaginary line and sashayed into alcoholism—alcohol is an underhand foe that when you least expect it, sneaks up and grabs you by the throat. Some women tell me they knew from the first time they drank they drank alcoholically, but the vast majority seem to agree that the slide into alcoholism was a slow creep that as the years passed, picked up speed and spiraled out of control. Some of us jumped out of the fray before we lost too much, others had to lose it all before they accepted that they couldn’t drink like normal people. But any more, what’s normal? Seems like alcohol dependence is the new norm. Too many women seemed to have the attitude of I deserve to drink every day, so back off, and if you don’t agree with me then you’re the problem.
What happened to defending our children? When we defend people and say they have the right to do what they want, yes, they sure do, but once you have a child the mindset has to change from me to “we.”
When you’re at the point in your drinking career when you can still make healthy choices, shouldn’t we elevate the health of the baby and mother as something that’s more desirable to defend than a young woman who wants to flaunt her love affair with wine? You can’t turn on the news anymore without hearing all sorts of horrors tied to child-sex trafficking, child porn, babies and toddlers who are found wandering the streets and neighborhoods hungry or half-dressed because their parent took a nap or is zonked out on booze or drugs—it’s in every demographic and much of the horrific mayhem that’s heaped on children can be related back to the parent’s substance abuse: some kids turn into angry addicted adults because they felt neglected and rejected when they were raised by babysitters or nannies so the parents could continue living boozy social lives that took precedence over being present for their children. This is not just an issue only in America—it’s a global issue; alcoholism inhabits every demographic.
Alcoholism may look different in each family, but the destruction is all the same. Children suffer because of their parent’s choices. Selfishness is at the root of the alcohol epidemic and society supports and rewards self-absorbed behavior with hundreds of thousands of likes and little hearts.
Women who start drinking heavily in high school may fail to experience emotional growth—drinking has been their go-to coping skill for so long that healthier ways to handle stress have escaped their learning. They may excel at their career or excel in some areas of their lives, but emotionally, they’re stuck in adolescence. It’s like they’re locked in the me me me of childhood, while becoming mothers themselves; they can’t look beyond their own hands. We have fewer and fewer good role-models for our children.
Below is an example of a conversation that I saw on FB from a group of moms who believe they’re entitled to drink while caring for their babies and toddlers:
“My mommy group “might” have wine Friday’s at the park. And, wine is a loose term for booze of every kind.”
The responses to the above comment were beyond telling:
“Perfect!”
“No problem!!”
“Ha ha. Red solo cup!
“Go for it!!”
Women with large platforms could do a whole lot of good to shut that sort of shit down, but instead, they encourage women to drink. Add to that that more often than not, young women with large platforms take self-centeredness to a whole new level as we saw with the pop singer. These are the people that teens look up to; these are the people young women aspire to be like, and the best message they can come up with is drink up?
Do we really need more people in the world to shove more alcohol in front of our faces? Do we need more people who will flaunt wealth, bad habits, bombard social media with selfies, and pull whatever outrageous antic they can think up next in order to amass attention?
I fail to understand why we celebrate debauchery and shun sanity. My heart breaks for the children of the boozy party moms because I know too often their emotional needs aren’t being met. I am all too familiar with the sort of chaos that transpires when a mom’s focus is something other than taking care of herself and her children. It seems we’ve come to the place and time where the children who have no say so in the matter—don’t matter, and that should concern all of us.
Lisa is the author of the multi-award winning book, Raising the Bottom: Mindful Choices in a Drinking Culture. After short stints where she trained polo horses, worked as a flight attendant, hairdresser, and bartender, she revamped her life and settled in as a registered nurse. For the past twenty-nine years has worked with hundreds of women to overcome alcoholism, live better lives and become better parents. She was prompted to write Raising the Bottom when she realized after twenty plus years of working in hospitals, that doctors and traditional healthcare offer few solutions to women with addiction issues. You can start reading for free on Amazon. Follow her on Twitter @LBoucherAuthor and Instagram